I have struggled with knowing and believing the goodness and love of God for a long time. I mean, I know it intellectually, but it never made it into my heart. I struggled for years trying to reconcile my intellectual self with my spiritual self. My intellectual self knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that God was good, holy, perfect, and my father. But my spiritual self…my soul…my emotions…not so much. In my life I saw a distant God. A God who didn’t have to explain himself to me at all, and thus left me in the dark. A God who sat on high and looked down low and watched me flounder and cry and hurt and did nothing. I mean, I knew that he was God so there was no way that he was “wrong”, but it felt all wrong. I could compare it to a bad marriage. It felt like I was married to this totally disengaged, sadistic, selfish, absent man who I still had to reverence, be faithful to, cook for, etc – basically fulfill my duties with because I had made this covenant with him so…what could I do?
I didn’t even know I saw God this way until a few weeks ago. Until he burst my little secret wide open (see my last post).
So as I was entering into this “new” with God. This place where I had said all the dark, hidden, shameful things I thought of him…I began to see a different God, and it all started with a very unexpected visit.
I was at work when a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in years, decided to stop by. Jonathan and I attended the same church a few years ago, but we never really hung out outside of church. Jonathan and his wife are two people that I love very much, but to be honest, our interaction was purely through church…and hadn’t happened for many years. But on this day a week or so ago, Jonathan was standing in the doorway of my job several states away from where I had last seen him…visiting just to say hi. As I stood there confused as to why he was there, he informed me that he and his wife were moving to Minneapolis and he was getting things in order. He was on his way back to Georgia and decided to stop by and say hi. I asked him, “How did you find me?” and he explained that he had read my facebook post saying I was at work until 4pm. He knew where I worked because I had it on my page, so he just GPS’d it and found me. We chatted for a few minutes, and then he left. I was still perplexed when he left.
The next morning I was getting ready for my daily morning walk that I usually take with friends, but no one showed up so I went alone. As I was walking, I found myself thinking about Jonathan’s visit. I thought, “It’s so weird that he stopped by. I mean, it was great to see him but I can’t believe he looked for me and then found me here.” It actually made me feel very special to know that he took the time to find me…and then God spoke! He said,
“That’s what I do for you Charlene.”
I didn’t understand, so he went on to explain.
“All this time that I have been whispering to you about Jeremiah 33:3 (“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things which you do not know”)… that time that I poked and prodded you until you told me the truth about your doubts about me and your lack of trust in me… I was looking for you! And Jonathan’s visit was a tangible way for me to show you who I am…to show you that I will find you. I knew his visit would get your attention. I had to show you in the natural what you could not yet understand in the spiritual. It’s not my fault that you don’t trust me or that you doubt me, but I am your God and your husband, and I will continue to look for you and find you and prove myself to you because I love you! And if you forget again that I love you unconditionally, and close yourself off to me again…I will look for you and I will find you and I will prove myself again and again and again…because I love you!”
Wow!!! I…was…speechless.
I liked this God. Where had he been all this time? Then he spoke again.
“Charlene, I was always here, but you have such specific beliefs about who I am and how I should behave and what I look like…that you never saw me. I know you do it to protect yourself, but this wall is only closing you off to protection and safety. Because what you believed about me was wrong. Charlene, this is hindering you from so many things. Your need to control and put everything in this “how things should be” box is keeping you from a real and loving relationship with me. If you don’t know me..If you aren’t honest with me…if you aren’t honest with you…if you don’t let go of your preconceived notions…you can’t have a real, loving, good relationship with me or anyone else. You can’t love a spouse that way. You can’t even really be a good friend that way. It all starts with me, and I can heal that if you’ll let me.”
Wow again…
Tears filled my eyes because I got it. I felt the love of God and I knew what I heard was truth!
God promised to prove himself to me. To earn my trust.
I have been a Christian for 21 years, and it has felt like a bad marriage for 21 years. But on that day, I felt a distant husband who had been shut out promise to love me anyway. To prove himself to me until I knew that I was loved. To put himself aside and “give” to me because loved me.
And I needed a husband like that SO much. One who would love me over and over again and would lay down his life like Christ laid down his life for the church. A husband who is patient and kind and longsuffering. one who kept no record of wrongs. One who believes all things, accepts all things…one whose love would not fail.
The next day, I received a call from a former school teacher of mine. She said I had been on her mind. God spoke again and said that this was him reaching out to me again through her…to say, “I care about you”.
The next day, as I was getting dressed, I was putting on a very old and broken bra and thought to myself, “I really need new bras”. That afternoon, a friend of mine brought a bag of practically new bras to my room that were just my size.
The next day, a car I was borrowing almost got towed, but then the tow truck driver had a sudden change of heart and put it down.
God spoke to me through all of these incidents showing me that he would look for me and find me. That he was concerned about how I was doing. That he would provide what I need. And that he would protect me from hardship.
This husband of mine is good.
This God of mine is good.
I am still growing in my trust of him, but I am oh so excited about learning to love the one who loves me so.
I am grateful.
Hippie Christian Chick 